Hey Xjan.com readers, here is a letter I received from a perturbed customer.   Please send more.  I like getting the controversial mail.  It's more interesting than wow cool font... or where can I buy a shirt with the dead diary ghost rocking the x-large head on it type crap...

that's cool though... just send more groovy mail... cuz I'll either run it full like this...

Dear Church of Dirtbike,

I find it almost offensive the way you put Jesus on a dirtbike. Jesus
does not and can not ride a dirtbike. After he returned to earth and
reincarnated he became Robot. Robot cannot ride Dirtbike.

You are a misled soul and you should not profess that Jesus rides a
dirtbike. His mode of transportation is Robot mode, not dirtbike. He
has feet and legs like you and I do and can walk. But he is not as
clumsy as we are. Oh yes, he is swift and smooth on his Robot legs.
Agile and limber with his spaceage exoskelton. His shiny silver, gold,
and black is a sight to behold and will not be covered in two-stroke
smoke or mud. No.

I would rather hear propaganda about Church of Tortise. Take your site
down before Jesus does. You know he is Jesus and he holds the passwords to all servers in his infinite hard drive?

You have been warned.


or twist it to my fiendish will like this...

Dear Church of Dirtbike,

I find it almost... (terrific) the way you put Jesus on a dirtbike. Jesus
does not and can not... (be a) Robot.  Robot cannot ride Dirtbike.                                   
You should profess that Jesus rides a dirtbike.  His mode of transportation is... feet and legs like you and I... Oh yes, he is swift and smooth on his... (dirtbike).   His... is a sight to behold... covered in two-stroke smoke or mud.

I would rather hear propaganda... 

You have been... (terrific and keep up the great work.)


First of all, calm down Patro... let me respond to the content of the real letter...  I forwarded it to Steve over at Church of Dirtbike and he updated me on Church of Robot.

"Just like Church of Dirtbike, the Robot followers believe that there is a "Great Mechanic" and a metamorph'd, an accelerated, a future-thinking Jesus-type creature.

While Dirtbike is about finding the best path to ride and hitting some jumps along the way, the Church of Robot is into how technology and theology can be combined."

OK... to illustrate Steve's point, here is a picture taken at a recent anti-Dirbike protest march.

Have you seen the robot mode?

Church of Robot is about circuits and metal and robot modes..   and Jesus. So don't judge the Church on a random picture of a Robot fanatic.   Church of Robot does speak a lot of truth in their preachings, but so does Dirtbike.

And the argument rages on as to which is the real manifestation of Jesus.  I mean sh*t the rapture has come and gone and were all still standing here, right?  Maybe I'm wrong... maybe all the good people left... but wouldn't you rather be wrong in Dirtbike, or wrong in Robot, or wrong in Tortoise?

weird tale magazineAnyway, the fight between Robot and Dirtbike is an old one.   Here is an old cover of "Weird Tales" magazine proclaiming things like "The Robot God," "I Killed Hitler," "Revolt Against the Dirtbike," and "July".

Is this Anti-Dirtbike or Anti-Robot?  You be the judge.   And what kind of spooky mermaid fashion are the flesh-bags wearing? Is this Adam?   Is this Eve?  Only Ray Cummings knows... and I'm too lazy to ask him.

I'd say this is probably Anti-Robot propaganda due to the stereotypical cylindrical arms, blocky heads, and sharp razor like talons that the robot's are sporting.

Now that I have a second to think about both Church of Robot and Dirtbike I have questions in my mind...

Who has seen Jesus get off the Dirtbike?

Is it possible that this IS the robot mode?

Maybe both followers are correct... maybe this IS Jesus IN Dirtbike mode?

And maybe he both RIDES AND IS ONE WITH Dirtbike?

Hold on... I'll be right back..

....To answer my new questions I've quickly set up an appointment with the Church of Robot to speak with one of the oldest robots still fully-functioning.   The one they hear the output of God thru, the one they call "The Elder."


"The Elder"I just got back from my interview.  I had to provide my questions in advance so they could be cleared by the Robot Council.  I had added some specific questions about the fakeness of Church of Robot so that they'd leave my Dirtbike ones alone.

I was seated in a small cylindrical room as they wheeled in "The Elder."

I had no idea that the one they call "The Elder" would be a homemade robot that would attempt to talk like Einstein.  I was like, what the f*ck?

When I saw this sham of a robot I realized that this wasn't the true Church of Robot and I walked out.  I'm trying to track down Missy, who handles PR for Church of Robot, to try and get the answers to the questions we all have about Robots, Dirtbikes, that stupid "Elder" robot, and the Great Mechanic.

The Great Mechanic?


Here are some of the questions I ask myself when I care:

Who am I, will I go to Robot or Dirtbike heaven?

What is this sh*t?

When is Jesus going to show me how to turn into Robot Mode or let me bum his Dirtbike?

Why is Church of Dirtbike wrong?  Why is Church of Robot right?

Where is the party?

Does that help Patro?  How's Singapore... do they have Robots and Dirtbikes?  Is there a "Great Mechanic" in Church of Tortoise?   Don't get angry at xjan.com for the material enclosed.  Maybe it should say that on the front page?

Take care and write often,

-The Pirate.

I got more questions Patro... Is the Singapore Sling as good in Singapore?  Do you drink Cobra whisky?  Tiger Whisky?  Can you ship my ass some?