There are lots of famous "Char's"... Grandma's Rhubarb and Char pie,
Char-broiled BK whoppers, Char Aznable from Gundam, Charmeleon from Pokemon, and I'm sure
many more. Tons of "ity's" too... but none more beautiful than
Until writing this article, I didn't know that there were charities for Online Monkeys... Werewolf Children... and powder-addicted ninjas... but there are... or seem to be... read on... because now you can consider these charities "X-posed".
So I've been doing my research again... because I needed to find some charities to divide my lottery winnings amongst. I ran into a whole bunch of "legitimate" charities, but only three peaked my interest. In fact this whole article may be a plot by xjan.com to get you to buy "Charity T" T-shirts. Never mind that though... because It was very hard to track down the masterminds that run these charities... but eventually I succeeded.
|The first charity I was interested in was
"S.T.O.M.S.Y.", which stands for "Stop The Online Monkey Slaughter
Yourself". "Stomsy", as it's more widely known, is the charity
founded by famous monkeys to thwart online monkey slaughter.
But, what is "Online Monkey Slaughter"? Well, from what I could decipher it's when that silly little "punch-the-monkey" monkey goes flying back and forth on your screen screaming "FREE CASH"... "WIN NOW"... whatever it screams... and you punch it... punch it hard... and end it's fragile little life.
You've seen that, right? Ok.. so... then... 2 of the 10 monkeys that write daytime television ran across those "punch-the-monkey" monkey ads while surfing for monkey porn.... and they went... you know... bananas.
|And it spread... Monkeys everywhere started punching
each other and demanding "FREE CASH" and to "WIN NOW". Even
worse, in Idaho a chimp named "Bingo" found a loophole in the local laws that
allowed monkeys to purchase and brandish weapons.
Some prominent "celebrity" monkeys took notice and formed "Stomsy", with the goal being to stop the violence that was consuming the monkey community.
recently monkey "celebrities" joined with human "celebrities" to raise
money to end the violence at "Stomsy-thon 2003". Sadly, the only
fundraising that this group was able to do was in the form of discount zoo days and bake
But... if you want to help... you can contact "Stomsy" to find out who to write to in order to help end the online monkey massacre.
|The next charity I looked at is based in Los Angeles.
It's called the "Ninja Runaway Foundation", and their whole premise is to
help runaway ninjas get off drugs.
Ninja drug addiction happened right after the 80's. In the 80's, being a ninja was really cool... you got the movies... the ladies... the ads in comic books... the weapons... the demonic possessions.
|Then, that was
all gone. No more fame... no more "Ninja Academy"... just time
to slink back into the shadows... literally. And what grows in shadows?
Mushrooms... and Heroin... and Prescription Drugs. Ninja's got fat... got addicted
to that "disappearing powder" they carry... and lost track of when to wear a
white... black.. or tan outfit.
It was the "anti-powder-head" ninjas that ghost-wrote "Beverly Hills Ninja", starring the late Chris Farley. "Bev. Hills Ninja" was written as a commentary on the obesity and drug addiction that the 1990's ninjas were suffering from. No one cared.
|Luckily, some of the more enterprising ninjas opened
a chain of "Ninja Tofu" restaurants. And it was with those restaurant
profits that the "Ninja Runaway Foundation" was formed.
The "Tofu Ninjas" felt it was time to rebuild the ninja's self-respect, as well as hone an even deadlier killing machine. Now donations are being accepted to help pay for throwing stars, tabi socks, and that new laundry soap for black clothes.
The rise of the ninja is upon us thanks to the "Ninja Runaway Foundation".
|The third charity was one I had never heard of
before, the "Child Werewolf League of America", a charity dedicated to feeding
starving werewolf children.
We have werewolf children? Where was I? Where are their parents?
|I needed these
questions answered... so, I sent in my "tester" donation. What I received
from the "Child Werewolf League of America" was a picture of "my"
werewolf child and a document listing the food I had just purchased for it. For $20
bucks I bought the kid 3 meals at McDonalds, 10 pounds of steak, and a 2-liter of Mt. Dew.
|I was told that for a little bit bigger donation I could buy
"my" werewolf child some special "werewolf approved" clothing.
That sounded like a scam to me... but I just had to find out what "werewolf
approved" clothing looked like.
I sent in my money and 2 weeks later I received a postcard from the "Child Werewolf League of America". On the postcard was a picture with my little werewolf on it... and it was wearing a gold Adidas tracksuit and smiling.
"Child Werewolf League" seems to be the real thing. I can say this because the first "werewolf child" charity I sent money to... well they sent me a picture of this "dogboy" who isn't even a "werewolf child"... but rather a child with a hair-growth abnormality from like a hundred years ago.
charities is not supposed to be fun, but even less fun is realizing that out of every
dollar you donate, less than half goes to a ninja... a werewolf child... or a punch
monkey... that's just appalling. It makes me want to take my lottery winnings
and burn it... but unfortunately there isn't a tax write-off for doing that.
If you're wondering... you can make a donation to the charities above and get a "free" t-shirt just by clicking "more" or on the charities themselves....